Delhi Pollution Buoys Indian Industry

Reacting to a recent report by the Centre for Science and Environment, Mr Jewel ByeBye, Chairman of the Indian conglomerate ByeBye Sons has expressed happiness that his company’s strategy for growth by investing in the car market has been vindicated.

“For the first time since 2000, Delhi’s pollution will increase, causing more smog this winter than the last few years since CNG buses and auto- rickshaws were introduced”, he claimed at a Press Meet in New Delhi, triumphantly waving a copy of the report with his right hand and demurely adjusting the mask on his face with the left. He attributed the rise in pollution levels to the increasing number of cars on the road today.

“The number of private vehicles added daily to the city has increased to 963, of which 308 are cars, while only 31 commercial vehicles are added each day. The city continues to be short of 4000 buses, which again indicates that we made the right decision to stay away from investing in the manufacture of buses and public transport. Thank God we have said bye bye to the old days of socialism when people were forced to travel together in buses and trains. To each Indian, a car, that is the mantra of the new economy, and we are fully geared towards that.”

Mr ByeBye decried attempts by those who are intent to take the country back to the days when his fortunes were a fraction of what they are today. “The continued increase in the demand for cars has a trickle down impact on my fortunes… er…the industry. For example, the increased air pollution opens up a huge market for quality, latex free masks to protect people from pollution. This also contributes to the country’s rising GDP”, he added patriotically. Experts see his statements as an indication that his company is determined to protect Delhi’s residents from pollution caused by the cars manufactured by his ByeBye Cars with latex free face masks manufactured by a group company.

Reacting to the rumours that his company plans to churn a venture called ByeBye Poverty, Mr ByeBye smiled and cryptically said “No… not yet. We, however, do not reject the idea altogether.”

He declined to set specific time line for the other venture that his company recently has been in the news for- Byebye Toilets. “Yes, we have taken serious note of the fact that the number of toilets in the country are shockingly low. 700m people in the country defecate in the open. More than half the population of the big cities like Delhi and Mumbai does not have access to toilets. There is certainly a great opportunity for privatization in this field. We  smell a gold mine in shit.”

(For retrogressive views on related issues, see this post.)

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